Stuck

Photo by Mario Azzi on Unsplash

It takes everything I have to type these words. There is so much I want to say, but it’s all stuck in my mind, blocked by clouds of doubt. I feel that at this point, with the world turned upside down, with our struggles and anxieties magnified with all the unknowns of what tomorrow will bring, any words I have are futile.

But I am pushing myself. I started this blog with the conviction that my words, as much as anyone else’s matter. Even if they do not matter to anyone else, they matter to me. Writing is the only way I have ever been able to truly open myself up. So, even though my anxiety and depression has been worse that it has been in a long time, even though I so badly want to close up within myself, I am going to keep writing.

I began this new year with the goal to really focus on my wellness. I started a yoga class and therapy. I began volunteering at a local animal shelter and continued my exercise and meditation practices with more intention. I started a blog as way to connect and track my progress in my own way. This pandemic has halted my momentum. I can no longer go to yoga or to my volunteer shift. I no longer have access to a gym. The activities I enjoyed with friends are no longer available. I spend much time alone.

There are times now and then, when I am severely tempted to stop trying. I want to curl up in a ball on the couch all day, shutting out all people are responsibilities. I feel so tired and so alone. This temptation is very much present now. It is now time to make a decision. Do I give in, or to I dive deep and pull from the tenaciousness I have within me and not give up?

By writing today, I am choosing tenacity. I am choosing to not give up on what I have started. However, it is clear that it is time to reassess. I need to fine some new practices for handling my new situation. The following come to mind:

  • Getting outside to run, walk, or even sit at least once a day
  • Do exercise videos if I cannot run outside
  • Connect with friends and family as much as possible. Keep up weekly phone calls home
  • Limit news viewing to once a day
  • Meditate at least once a day and try for more
  • Read books that bring me joy
  • Color and listen to favorite podcasts
  • Let myself feel my emotions, even though they are difficult. Let myself veg for awhile.
  • Keep up with therapy

It goes without saying that this time is difficult for everyone in a multitude of ways. I understand that my suffering is so small compared to others, but I believe that we should still honor our own grief. Whatever your struggle right now, my wish is that you be kind to yourself, that you hold tight to your loved ones, and that you look for the goodness that is coming from so many people.

I do not have it in me at the moment to say something like “everything will be alright,” or “we will come out even stronger.” But I will say this: be kind, be flexible, adjust your expectations, and endure.

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